Walking Through My Doubt

Have you ever been told by God that something great and beautiful awaits you and yet you could not believe because it's too good to be true. Your heart actually desires it. Many times before you cried in prayer for God's will to be done, even if secretly, that desires still rests in your hurt.

So God tells you, "I'm giving it" but somehow, you have gotten so used to waiting that when the waiting is over, you have become hopelessly resigned even when God meant to teach you to have greater faith.

We walk by faith not by sight.

I have observed that it is hardest to live out this verse in one specific area of my life. Much as I want to stop making excuses and to completely accept what God has been telling me, I couldn't because in this one, I still rely on my sight. I want my eyes to see what He is telling me. God tells me to use the lenses He gave me but I just couldn't.

Why can't I believe? As I ask myself this question, I realise that the answer boils down to only one thing: Fear. Fear that God would not keep His word. Fear that things might blow up in my face and wound my already very scarred pride. I feel I am
becoming cynical about this aspect of my life.

As I think through this, I feel like I am walking slowly away from God's embrace not
exactly by a deliberate choice, but by a condition of heart that inevitably causes
one to retreat in self-evaluation; in pursuit of answers that are actually nowehere to be found but in Him. This is perhaps those moments of doubt which Philip Yancey talks about in one of his books. It is not doubt about God's Being and existence, but doubt in God's character. It is doubt that comes from the inability to trust His heart completely. Such makes my faith in Him (again only on this particular matter)very erratic - believing one moment, doubting again the next.

Maybe that is the reason why God keeps leading me to the Gospel chapter which narrates the trial of Jesus Christ before Herod and Pilate. Am I putting God on trial? Apparently. Until He proves Himself, it would be difficult to believe.

And who am I to take on the judge's seat? Can a mere short-sighted gal pass fair judgment against a holy and all-knowing God? I may not be consciously doing it but my moments of doubt expose that it could not be anything else.

How can I put on trial Him who has kept all His promises?

How great is my pride.

But even so, God has been patient and encouragingme about myself, about someone in particular and about Him. He understands my doubts and fears and assures me, that by praying harder, He will help me overcome. He will give me faith like Abraham's, like Moses', like all His favored men and women. He will give me faith like Mary's, mother of Jesus Christ.

As I struggle against my doubt, I realise that this is God's way of teaching me to
take bigger steps of faith; indeed, to leap. Growth requires us to use those developed parts of our bodies, otherwise they will entropy. The same is true for our faith. This answers my own question: Why is God telling me things that are harder to believe each day? God wants me to grow more in faith.

Didn't God say that He can turn anything for His glory? Anything - our flaws, our hurts, including even our doubts.

God wants me to break the limits I unknowingly imposed on myself. He wants me to climb higher up His mountain so that I can commune with Him on its peak. Again, just like Moses' who literally hiked and spiritually made great strides by His grace.

The stroll in the park with my Father is over. It's time for me to hike and climb up steep slopes. When it gets steeper, He will pull me up with the rope that is His grace.