Discipline and Correction

I was absent yesterday because I was not feeling well. I woke up early but could not get up because my body was aching and my head felt heavy. I decided to go to the office late but an hour later, I still could not manage. So I texted Miss Ron, our admin head, to advise that I was not going to be around. I slept the whole morning and woke up only a little before lunch time when my brother asked if I was hungry.

Apparently, I needed the midweek break because I was too tired physically and stressed spiritually. It was to my benefit. Until yesterday, I felt like such a huge failure for all the boo-boos I've done the previous day. I felt like I failed the expectations of everyone in the office being unaware of all the SOPs I thought I should have already memorised by now. It was as though I was sleepwalking through work with only the obssession to perform well in mind and yet, ironically, unable to do so. I only had "make no mistakes" in mind since the office workload became heavy the past two weeks or so.

Despite KG meeting last Monday evening, I still did not feel encouraged come Tuesday. I just could not internalise Ate Mich's words of wisdom and advice regarding perspective on servanthood, and more importantly, the attitude that must come with it. In fact, at the end of the day, I hated myself because I thought I did everything wrong. I was silently nagging myself that I was careless; I was unintentionally rude to one person (or perhaps more than one). Attaining perfection just seemed like a compulsion, that I could not gloss over my small unnoticed mistakes. I wasn't satisfied with my performance.

I remember a few months ago I had quiet times on the love of God regardless of all our mistakes and failures, and how we are precious in His eyes despite our flawed nature. I thought I've internalised it, but it's a different matter when the mistakes committed and the failures I have are very real/concrete ones and not just the whole notion of me and you being a sinner. It's a different matter when it causes stress and tension to myself and to others. Further, it's harder to let go of the compulsion especially because it scars my pride and shatters my desire to deliver things perfectly.

I relied too much on my strength, my intelligence/wisdom to feed the desire to make my service perfect, when the truth of the matter is, as Jesus preached, without Him I can do nothing. With every mistake, there needs to be correction. Admittedly, I am scared of correction and the line Lani quoted from Jars of Clay's World's Apart is just fitting: Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I flew too high and like Icarus I collide...

In Proverbs, it says that only fools despise and reject God's correction and discipline. It also says that God disciplines and instructs those whom He love.

Proverbs 3:12 - For whom the Lord loves, he reproves; and he chastises the son he favors.

I haven't been corrected by anyone in the office as of yet for making a major mistake, but I was overly scared of one coming soon. I also feared taking responsibility and being accountable to people. But it dawned on me that I must indeed be thankful for the times I make mistakes and fail because they are opportunities for learning and correction. They are God-given to keep me humble and dependent on His wisdom and strength.

I still have a long way to go and I should not expect myself to know everything life has to offer or foresee how things will turn out for me to know how best to act. In everything, I need to wait for God's instruction, and sometimes He gives them after making a wrong move or a wrong turn. Letting go of my control in EVERYTHING - including the smallest things - is something I need to learn and I will only by God's grace.

I'm coming to know God as a Father, a father more real than my mistakes; more loving and gentle that I can possibly imagine. To Him, I am greatly thankful.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, on your own intelligence rely not;
In all your ways be mindful of Him and He will make straight your paths.